When my self is not with you, it is nowhere
by Greenbucket5
Summary: Edward cries when he sees that Roy is having his very own love life. But he can't understand why.  Yaoi, RoyEd.
1. Chapter 1

Edward watched in the mirror as the tears ran down his face. His face was gleaming and his golden eyes looked back at him with an astounding amount of hurt.

But why was he crying?

He'd showed up at Central to turn in his monthly report as usually. It was a normal day at the office, everyone was working on something and everything had been calm. Ed had stopped by Havoc's table to talk to him about the trip he'd just returned from when an unfamiliar woman had arrived in the office. She was tall with very dark and flowing hair and her big eyes were chocolate brown. Her face looked delicate, almost like the one of a porcelain doll. Even Edward could notice that her beauty exceeded many others.  
As soon as the employees of the office became aware of her presence Edward noticed that all the men became strangely self-conscious. Havoc quickly removed his feet from on top of the table and straightened out the wrinkles on his uniform, Breda put the magazine he'd been reading down and ran his fingers through is hair and Fuery blushed as he suddenly became very busy with the papers on his desk.

Finally, Riza stood up and kindly asked the woman if she needed any help, since she seemed to be lost. The unfamiliar woman smiled at Riza with gratitude as she asked if she knew where Roy Mustang's office was. Riza nodded and asked if she wanted her to phone him and tell him about her arrival. The stranger had said no and explained that her visit was supposed to be a surprise. Riza smiled and nodded as she pointed out where Mustang's office was. Of course it wasn't far away since he had to be near his subordinates.

Edward watched as the woman knocked three times on the door and opened the door as a response came from within the room. The woman closed the door as she walked in but he could still hear as a deep voice welcomed the visitor with surprise laughter. Strangely, he seemed to be the only one to hear it.

In about an hour, the Colonel had exited his office with the unfamiliar next to him. They were talking loudly and laughing, she hugged him as they went out for lunch.  
By that time, a rather unnerving feeling started to settle deep in his stomach and he started to shake a little. Before he knew it, he had started to cry. As soon as he noticed the tears running down his face, he'd run to the bathroom.


	2. Chapter 2

Hello my dears! So this is my fanfiction and I would love to thank every single one who reads it for giving themselves time to do so!

I would like to thank my wonderful Beta-reader OdeToBlue for reading over my story, fixing my grammar and spelling and for giving me a heap of new ideas to work on! It's awesome to have someone who's ready to tell you everything they see that needs fixing but also give you praise for the things they like!

And just so you know, I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist, I do not own Edward Elric, Roy Mustang or any of the characters from FMA, they're all owned by the genius that is Hiromu Arakawa!  
_

Edward had never been an emotional person. All of his actions had logical reasoning behind them and all of his beliefs were based on scientifically proven facts. So why had he cried when he saw that total stranger being so casual with the Colonel?

That day, Ed had been too confused about his own behaviour to return his report himself, and had therefore asked Havoc to return it for him. But of course, a week later when Edward asked him if he'd returned it, he had forgotten. So Ed had to return it himself.

He was walking to the Bastard's office to leave him the dreaded report. He knocked three times and he heard that someone was walking towards the door. Before he knew, that same woman he had seen the very first day- the day he had cried- was standing right in front of him. As soon as she saw him she smiled the biggest and brightest smile Ed had ever seen.  
"Oh, hello, you must be Ed! Roy has told me so much about you."  
"Uh, yeah, I'm Ed. Is the Colonel in there? I have to deliver a report to him." Ed asked as he tried to steal a glance into the office over her shoulder.  
"Yes, he's in there. I was just leaving to attend to some unfinished business. Nice to meet you, by the way." She smiled again and waved as she walked away and left the door open. Ed waved back absentmindedly, she really was stunning. His superior was sitting by his desk watching Edward as he entered the room. The Colonel's office was very comfortable and perhaps one of the most classic offices in Central. The furniture was all wooden antique, the chairs had beautiful carvings and the desk looked like it was over hundred years old, without looking like it was going to collapse at any second. The walls were covered with paintings and bookshelves, featuring all of the most wanted and interesting books Ed knew about, though he had never allowed himself to check them out properly. All of his visits to the office were short and he never really allowed himself to want to be in there for longer than he had to.  
"So, did you have fun in Xing?" Roy asked with a smirk on his face, he knew how incredibly boring Ed found all these diplomatic and political trips he was sent on. Of course, the only reason he was sent to Xing this frequently was because of his friendship with Ling.  
"Oh yes, just as much fun as always." Ed said, sarcasm dripping off of every word, as he sat down in a chair against Mustang. The Colonel grinned at Ed's words and closed the file he had been reading.  
"Did you finish your report?" Ed nodded his head and handed the file over to Mustang who took it and read quickly over it. "Great, everything seems to be in place, though that's unusual considering it's you who did it." Edward frowned at the man's remark.  
"Ha-ha, you're a funny man, Colonel Bastard. Was there anything else you wanted?"  
"Well, no, not really." The Colonel smirked at the boy's response; he never got tired of messing around with him.  
"Good then I'll be on my way. Good day, Colonel." Ed stood up and turned away to leave, relieved by the fact that he didn't have to be close to his commanding officer for much longer. He couldn't take his mind of that woman, she really was something. Perhaps the bastard had actually found someone of his liking.  
"Ed, wait. Is there something wrong?" Ed stopped and turned around to look at the Colonel, he seemed to actually be a bit concerned; which was really weird and freaky. But it kind of made him happy.  
"No, nothing. By the way, who's that lady I met just now? I saw her visit you here at the office a week ago as well, and Riza told me she'd seen her here before. You're not used to holding onto a woman for that long." Ed asked, trying to turn the conversation onto another path. Apparently, it worked.  
"Oh, you've seen her before? Yes, I've actually been holding onto her for a very long time, she's something special." Roy said with a smile, Ed took a deep breath as he felt a heavy rock inside his belly become a little bit heavier.  
"Oh, so, what's her name?" He bet that her name was sugar sweet, like Naomi or Gabriella or even Pamela!  
"Tracy Steele, why do you ask?" Ed shrugged.  
_Well, that's actually not as sugar sweet as I thought it would be. _"Just curiosity, I guess." Ed squeezed out a grin. "Well, I best get going. I've got a lot to do." Mustang nodded and Edward left the room, extremely relieved to be out of the Bastard's presence.

"Hey, Ed? Have you heard that there's supposed to be a dance on Friday next week?" Havoc asked him with a grin.  
"No, since when has the military held a dance?" Ed asked as he checked out the flyer Havoc handed to him.  
"Since now, I guess. It's supposed to be a lot of fun. I heard that there'll be an awesome singer too." Havoc's grin grew bigger as he thought of how much fun it would be. "You'll surely come won't you?"  
"Maybe, I might be going on another mission though."  
"Aw, man. But you have to come. Maybe there'll be some cute military girls there." Havoc winked at him. Ed began to turn slightly pink.  
"What? What are you implying?" Ed asked a bit testily, flushing at the other's remark. Though, he couldn't deny that he did understand why Havoc said that, he hadn't been in a relationship since Winry and he broke up a year ago. The break-up had been incredibly dramatic and Winry still refused to speak to him. Though it was rather hard, considering that she was his mechanic and therefore had to fix his automail of give it an upgrade every now and then. Those times were awkward and nowadays, Ed wouldn't go to her for a repair unless it was extremely necessary, of course Winry would kill him if he would ever go to another mechanic. His left leg and right arm were her babies, so to speak.  
Havoc grinned. "You know full well what I'm talking about. I've got the feeling that someone isn't having as much of a love life as he should be."  
Ed frowned, he really didn't need Havoc bothering him with this kind of talk. "OK, I'll go if I can. Are you happy now?"  
Havoc laughed. "Yes I am little man, yes I am."  
"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SMALLER THAN AN ENDOLIMAX NANA?"  
"Wait, an Enolina- what now?"


	3. Chapter 3

A/N:

Hello, dear readers!

I'm sorry that it has taken me this long to update. I've been going through some trouble with my beta, but she had to quit reading over my fanfic. The reason why is that she hasn't finished the whole series and to prevent risking the ending to be spoilt, we decided that it would be best if she'd stop.  
I was really sorry when this happened, since she's been an awesome help. But that's just the way it is. Now, I've been struggling with finding a new beta, but it seems to be taking me longer time than I expected. Because of that, I thought I'd just go ahead and post my latest chapter un-beta-ed! (So I'm really sorry for all errors that show up in this chapter.)

FMA and all of its characters are owned by its respectful author!

When Edward finished work, he thought he'd visit Al. It had been a while since they'd talked, and he thought he'd catch up on him. Al had been doing really well since he'd gotten his body back, he was currently working in some labs on the behalf of the military where he and his co-workers were analyzing what kind of an energy it was alchemist used when they performed alchemy. He'd gotten himself a flat in the middle of town and he had a pet cat, as expected, he called Sebastian.

And he was in love.

After Homunculi had been defeated, Alphonse had gone on a venture to Xing. There he had met up with the brothers' old friends, Ling, LanFan and May. May and he got really close and became good friends. Three years after that, they were in a relationship. Edward had found it kind of weird at first and so had Ling, but they came to terms with it and they really were a great couple. May had decided she'd move to Central and live with Al, she wanted to go to a university there and there they could stay together, since long distance was not a thing either of them was excited about.

Ed knocked three times and when the door was opened, May's face welcomed him.

"Oh, Edward! Nice to see you again, it's been a long time."

"Yeah, well I've been busy. But I thought I could spare a moment or two so I decided I'd check up on you guys." Ed smiled and looked around in the apartment as they walked in. It was really neat and cosy and it was really in-character for both of them. Edward always found it really comfortable to be in their home, because it had some kind of a welcoming feel to it.

"Well that's sweet of you," May said as they sat down by the kitchen table. "Alphonse is in the shower, but I'm guessing he'll be done in a sec. So how have things been going with you lately?"

"They've been going fine, just fine. I returned from a mission in Xing a while ago, Ling says 'hi,' by the way."

"Oh, you were in Xing? Isn't everything going fine there?"

"Yeah, everything's fine. I was just ordered to help restoring some tunnels that had collapsed. Not that I can do much now that I don't have the power of alchemy to help me." Ed grinned a tad awkwardly; he still wasn't used to being unable of using alchemy.

"I'm sure you did great. You and your brother are both really hard-working." She said, understanding how Ed was feeling. "Was Ling fine? If he doing a good job running the empire?"

"Oh yes, he's doing a splendid job. And of course he has a lot of advisors so whenever he's in doubt, he can just ask them.

"Well, knowing him, he won't ever accept help. I only hope LanFan will be able to keep him calm if things ever go wrong." May trailed off, she knew what kind of a temper Ling had, and she knew that it was extremely hard to make him listen to any kind of argument when his mind was settled.

"Well if he ever screws up, you can bet that the military will immediately send me there, so don't worry."

"That's good to know. But switching onto another subject, how are things going in the office? Is everything like it used to be?" May asked, she really liked the company in Edward's office, she found the people easy to talk to and friendly.

"Yeah, you know, same old, same old. They're all pretty much excited about the dance next week, especially Havoc." Jean hadn't stopped talking about plans for the dance, it was evident he was expecting it to be the best dance ever.

"Oh, there's a dance?" Edward nodded, looking out the window that showed out to the street. "And you're going? Well that's a surprise, you have never been much for socializing." May said as she chuckled, she'd always found it funny how awkward that big-mouth became when surrounded by a big crowd.

"Yeah, I guess so. Havoc begged me to go, though I can't see why since he'll most definitely be all over the girls the whole time so it won't matter to him much whether I'll be there or not." Ed grunted.

"Well, hello there, brother!" They turned to the door to see that Al was there, his short-cut hair was still damp from the shower and he hadn't quite finished buttoning his shirt. "Long time no seen, I had started to wonder if me having a brother had only been a hallucination!" Alphonse said jokingly as he finished buttoning his shirt and sat down besides May.

"Hello, Al." Edward said, happy to see his brother again. "How's it going?"

"It's doing great actually, really great." Al said with a smile. "What about you, what have you been up to?"

"Well not much, I returned from Xing a while ago." Edward said. Al nodded and stole a glance at May with a questioning look; May shook her head a little. He looked back at Ed.

"Well, welcome home then! I take it your journey went well."

"Yeah, just fine." Edward said, as he became a little bit confused as they gave each other a meaningful look once again. "Isn't everything OK?" Al and May looked at him; they both had happy smiles on.

"Of course it is, Edward, we just have something we would like to tell you." May said as she reached for Al's hand.

"Well then, spill." Ed said curiously.

"We're engaged to be married, big brother." Alphonse said to him, with a smile on his face.

Edward didn't say anything right away, he was processing the information he'd just received. Married. His brother was getting married. His brother was engaged to be married. To May. Their smiles turned into worried faces as it took Edward longer to respond, but bit by bit, his stunned look turned into a big smile.

"Congratulations! Wow, I can't believe you're getting married!" Edward said as he stood up to hug both of them. "When is the wedding supposed to take place?"

"We haven't decided," Al said, "we don't want to wait long, though."

"This is great! Have you told anyone yet, or am I the first one to know?"

"We haven't told anyone, we wanted you to be the first one to know." May said with a bright smile on her face, her happiness was evident.

"Yeah, but now it's free for anyone to know." Alphonse said as Edward sat back down.

"Well then I must be allowed to spread the news, right? I can't wait to tell everyone in the office." Edward said. He knew how much his co-workers cared about Al and May and how happy they would be for them.

"Of course you can. We're just happy that you approve." Alphonse said, Edwards eyes grew big.

"Approve? This is wonderful; I can't wait to tell everyone my little brother is getting married!" Edward said, but he couldn't help but to feel a small sting within him. His younger brother was getting married. He had a job, a home and a partner he was ready to spend his life with. Envy was settling within him. Why didn't he have what his brother had? It didn't seem too hard to gain.

The following day, Edward showed up at the office early. He had woken up an hour early and had been unable to get any more sleep, so he had gotten out of the bed and decided to simply show up. But to his surprise, he wasn't the only one showing up at that time.

Only about five minutes after his arrival, Hawkeye entered the office. She had her arms full of paper and she laid it down on her desk, getting ready to sort it out.

"Good day to you Hawkeye." Edward said with a smile, he was in a great mood. After leaving Al's and May's apartment the day before, he'd gotten home and spent the entire evening by himself. He'd read some books and eaten takeout. These kinds of times always brightened his mood, he always felt like his mind and body were in sync after an evening by himself doing practically nothing.

Hawkeye looked up from the papers with a startled look. "Edward! I didn't see you, what are you doing here so early?" Her hair was pulled back like always and her eyes were framed with dark circles. It was clear she was not having an easy time.

"Oh I just woke up early and didn't bother hanging around at home so I decided I could just as well show up." Riza nodded and returned to tending to the flood of papers on top of her desk. Edward admired Hawkeye, she was a hard worker and had always been loyal to what was right. She had a hard core and let nothing face her. Though he couldn't help but wonder how it would be once she would find herself a man. Who was it, who was ready to have such an independent woman for a wife? The public in Central was old-fashioned, and it was evident that if Hawkeye would ever be married, that marriage would most certainly not be the one of an old fashion.

"Isn't everything fine?" Edward asked.

"Of course it is, just fine. Why do you ask?" Riza asked without looking away from the papers.

"Just asking, I haven't been able to catch up with you for a while. I have some news, by the way." Edward said, suddenly remembering the announcement of May and Alphonse from the day before.

"Really? What is it?" Riza asked, finally looking away from the papers and eyeing Edward with a hint of curiosity.

"Alphonse and May are getting married!" Edward said with a smile. Riza's eyes grew a tad bigger, but then she looked back at the papers.

"And are you sure they have thought things through?" She asked, shuffling the papers, as if she'd lost a page.

"I don't know, but I think this is great news. They make a really good couple and it isn't as if they've only recently started dating or anything." Edward was a little surprised by Riza's response. He'd have thought she would be happy for them, but it appeared that she thought this was stupid of them. "You don't think it's a good idea, do you?" He asked with a tad of bitterness in the tone of his voice.

Riza sighed as she put down the papers and looked at Edward. "I'm sorry, Edward, but they're too young. Alphonse in only nineteen, he's got a lifetime to go."

"Yeah, but they love each other. Al knows what kind of a commitment he's making." Edward said in defence.

"Are you sure about that, Edward? Who knows what'll happen tomorrow or next week. I just don't think it's time. Maybe in a couple of years." Edward stood up from the chair he'd been sitting on and took a couple of steps towards Riza.

"Yeah, but that's precisely the reason why they shouldn't wait. Who knows what'll happen tomorrow or next week? They're still young and healthy, they should seize the day before anything stops them."

"Edward, please rethink this-"

"No, Riza. You rethink it. Life's short and we all know it. That's why we should embrace the good things we receive with all of our hearts, who knows when we'll lose them."

Riza kept silent, she didn't know how to respond. Edward looked out the window. It was raining.

"Forget it. Tell people I'll be late for work." He turned to the door and exited the room, leaving Riza in her own thought.

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